FINDING INNER PEACE
Part 1
Part 2
Part 3
Part 4
Part 5
Part 6
Part 7
Part 8
Part 9
Part 10
Birthday Intermission
Part 11
Part 12
Part 13
Part 14
Part 15
Part 16
Part 17
Part 18
Part 19
I had few enough sexual partners in my life to be able to count them all on one hand. Granted I was married to the same man, and was delightfully attracted to and engaged with only him for over 20 years. I never had a one night stand in my life, but only became sexually active with those men I loved and developed long-term relationships with.
In our ongoing discussions about sex, Quinn and I talked about having children. Or rather, talked about not having children. Quinn had made it perfectly clear to me in direct confirmation of what he had declared publicly for many years to others who knew him, that he was not going to bring children into this world. He said this world was not worthy of more Divine Beings, so having children of his own was out of the question.
I already had two adorable children, the exact number that I wanted - a boy first, and then a girl. I was really happy with one child for each hand, especially since I spent so much time alone with them. My husband had a vasectomy after our second (his decision, not mine!), so from then on out at least I didn’t have to concern myself with birth control.
Quinn and I were in the perfect sync in our desires not to have children, We were, however, extremely sexually active, and at certain times of the month I could feel that fear of conceiving rise up within me. I hated feeling fearful when all I wanted to do was let go!
Of course we talked about birth control, which of course Quinn was not going to take upon himself. I could never imagine him, for example covering himself with a rubber sheath anyway (nor me having one inside of me). He was a conscious man, not one who gives his power away to things outside of himself. He reminded me that energetics are everything. Things unfold in our realities in accordance with where we are. What you fear you draw near! If I feared getting pregnant, that is likely what I would get to experience. (Just as I had manifested for myself when feeling guilty after my first sexual encounter.)
I wasn’t about to stop having sex with him, so I knew I had to find it within myself to be safe and secure in my sexuality, my ability to tune into my body, my ability to manifest what was important to me, and to have faith in divine perfection. I spent hours in meditation finding clarity, releasing fear, embracing well-being and in receiving the most benevolent outcome. Being reminded of my responsibility for bringing or not bringing life to this planet, finding inner peace was of utmost importance and one of the scariest things I had to face in decades. Can and do I trust myself -- time will tell!
Together we set our intentions for no children to come forth. Quinn stayed present with me in my growing awareness of my own power, and we combined our forces to be in pure presence while making love. I was relieved by letting go of the fear of possible conception, and then so naturally embraced the height of the experiences.
I was doing it!!! I was facing my fears and letting them go. I was finding my own strength from within! If I could find my power in this super important facet of life, what other power up possibilities would await me?
Making love without protection and the possibilities of conception brought up so many old feelings. I thought that over the years I had come to terms with my 17 year old experiences, but obviously there were more layers to address as this sexual energy was ignited within me. It seems that often we are unaware of the full scope of how things affect us, but I find it pays to go deep. There were still parts of me that needed forgiveness from myself. I could feel I had lingering judgment, as I still wasn’t completely free as I wanted to be.
Along with judgments about unwanted pregnancy and abortion, I also realized how much I had held on to other judgments on myself for vaccinations, circumcision and other traumas I placed upon my children. After lots of introspection, I came to terms with the decisions I made, as one only knows what one knows, and I realized how much I had to be grateful for that the outcome of my decisions were not catastrophic.
My gratitude for Quinn just continued to grow as he was with me every intimate step of the way. I also amped up the gratitude for myself for being able to make these shifts that I once never knew were available to me. Now I had more awareness and tools to consciously create my experiences! At least sometimes!!!
Go with me on the journey toward Unconditional Love!
Stay Tuned for Part 21
