Calm

Whatcha going in for?

Asked my mate T-Dawg.

Root canal treatment.

I said calmly.

I had been a veritable study of calm all day. When my alarm woke me in the morning, I had sat up calmly and switched it off.

When I was in the shower I had been a portrait of calm manhood and soap.

Getting the little ones dressed before I had left for work, I had floated in a sea of tranquillity.

The good lady had even noticed.

You seem awfully Zen today? What's gotten into you? Normally you are like a box of frogs.

I had nodded calmly at this comment. A box of frogs? How amusing. I was glad to have picked this little cracker up as my life partner and no mistake.

I am just a calm guy, baby. Calm as chips. Cool as porcelain.

She had squinted at me as if I were some suspicious looking small print.

Well, you are not normally so calm. In fact, I would never describe you as a calm person.

Hmm.

I had rubbed my chin sagely.

Then perhaps, my darling. On this, you may be mistaken.

I had said serenely.

Suddenly, realisation dawned on her.

Oh! It's the Dentist today, isn't it? I forgot how terrified you are of the Dentist. Oh, poor dawgy. It will be fine, don't you worry.

I blinked slowly and easily.

I have the Dentist? Why, yes, yes I do. I am not worried. It's just the Dentist.

I chuckled slightly at the good lady. As if a lionheart such as myself would find the Dentist scary. Oh, the silliness.

I went off to work, whistling a calm melodious tune.

My good mate, T-Dawg emailed and asked if I fancied meeting up at lunch.

Of course. That would be good.

I said calmly.

So there were, chewing the fat when I told him of my Dentist appointment later that afternoon.

Root Canal!! Oh you poor fucking bastard!!

I gave him a small forgiving smile.

It's nothing, honestly, T-Dawg. It's just a big filling.

T-dawg snorfed loudly and slammed his hand on the table between us.

A big fucking filling, fuck no. It's more than that mate. It's a fucking NIGHTMARE. Trust me, I had it done once. I would rather muff the wife than go through that again.

I chortled at his colourful humour. Muff the wife indeed.

I am sure it will be fine.

I said with serene conviction.

Is your Dentist a man?

Erm, yes. What does that have to do with it?

So you will have a man fannying about in your mouth for about an hour. Eh? Euuuch. Dirty bastard.

It will be fine.

I said, trying to grasp on to the calm which was fraying at the edges slightly.

There was no stopping T-Dawg though.

A big dirty man with his hands in your mouth. It will seem like it goes on forever.

I tried to swallow but my mouth had gone a bit dry.

Cwaak.

I attempted to speak.

Anyway, mate. Sorry. I don't mean to put you off.

T-Dawg said apologetically although he still had that far-off look of horror as he remembered his own man fannying about in his mouth experience.

S'alright.

I lied.

You cool? You look a bit funny?

Oh aye, mate. I'm not shitting it at all now.

Bastard.