As I ponder this deep question, I am struck by the realisation that whatever answer I have to this weeks' Question Of The Week, it is advice that I had better take myself! Sometimes the best advice we give to others, is also the best advice we can give ourselves, and today that is certainly the case!
We aren't given a parenting Bible when we have children, and in the western world these days, most of us are pretty unprepared for the entire journey! In times past, and still today in less developed areas, we had a very strong family unit and community support. Back in the day, it would be absolutely natural that the mother of the parent would be very present to support, advise, and help in any way needed. These days our family unit has been eroded to the extent that it is not easy for many mothers and daughters to share time and space without conflict and stress. Even if they do have a good relationship, people are very busy and ofter far apart from each other which makes daily support impossible.
Therefore, I think today's QOTW is more important than ever, and is a question that we probably don't actually ask ourselves. Whilst we are so busy with day to day living, we rarely take a step back and ask the big questions. I am happy to have this opportunity to do so today, because thinking about it has already helped me to know something really important for the time that I may be blessed with a Child.
The key word in this question is happy. The search for happiness can be elusive for some, and a natural state for others. Whilst I could write pages on what happiness is, I would like to just share with you my opinion on what brings real happiness, and how we can bestow that gift onto our children. There are two things that I would make sure I teach my child, as well as demonstrate through example. The best way to teach is through example and direct experience. I don't think verbal teaching is enough in most cases, and especially with a child in resistance.
So how can I teach my child to be happy? The most important of the two keys is very simply being in the moment, present and fully engaged with each other and our immediate environment. I would teach my child to be in the moment, which is the only place we can really live and be alive and truly happy. This would mean spending a lot of time being in the moment with them, with a lot of play time and creativity. I would have to be in the moment myself in order to teach this to anyone, and so that is a challenge as a parent. I would also encourage my child to take up a hobby such as arts, music, or sports and adventure. I would teach the importance of play and having fun. I would even teach my child to meditate, as there is no better to learn how to be happy and in the moment. If you can find happiness and inner peace when doing nothing at all, then you have found real happiness. I would also not allow my child to own a smart phone or computer until they were at least 12-14 years old, or more. They could use one, but they could not own one. I think that is Very important. I want my child to spend most of his/her time with friends and family learning important social skills.
This brings in the second point. I would teach my child, through experience as well as verbally, the important of family and community. I would hope to be able to be living in some kind of community, and if not would do my best to have good friends and family. Parents need support and cannot give a child their attention all the time. It is VERy draining and without good support and can lead to a very superficial relationship because it is relentless, and at some point a parent just gives up engaging properly. Therefore, when we have community we can be relieved from the stress of parenting every day, and have some time off. Then when we do come back to be with our children, we can be with them in the present moment.
The happiest people I have met come from or live in a strong community. In these places I have always been struck by the gentle pace of life, the light and joyous mood of the people, and the overall ease of living. I have seen this in Africa, India, and even rural England. It matters not where you look in the world, this answer seems to be ubiquitous! We must live in a connected, communal way, so that we have the emotional space to be in the moment, so that we can indeed be happy! Children are like sponges, and most of the teaching we do is none verbal. The way we are in ourselves, the way we carry ourselves, the way we react and interact, our tone of voice, and the love that we can give define what we are really teaching our kids. If we don't create an environent and the circumstances which are conducive to our own fullfillment and happiness, I don't see how we can ever hope for that for our children.
I'd like to leave you with a short poem.
Thank you!
Happiness is Being Home Again,
Hapiness is walking in the rain
Happiness is walking with no pain.
Happiness is to see my humble home,
Happiness at not being alone,
Happiness to sit, and not to roam.
Happiness is family to me,
Happiness in the faces, I longed to see,
Happiness is once more being free
(Juan Olivarez)
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