Tonight as I sit here thinking on about how today went.... I realized that this was where I was always meant to be. My life in the city was charmed, I was a stay at home mom with a housekeeper. I had two children in private school, beautiful house, and luxury vehicles. My husband worked very hard to provide financial stability for our family but in turn traded his time for money. I often found myself stuck in drama and gossip between other spoiled housewives. I was miserable, regardless of all the "things" I had. I was vain. I was lonely. I was stressed and always worried about losing it all.
When we moved to our farm, we left it all. We sold the house, left the "friends", and proceeded to make a life doing something we had no idea how to do. Suddenly I was expected to dig trenches, butcher chickens, and pick up manure for compost. And yet, I enjoy it. I picked up an axe today and started chopping (well trying to) wood for a fire. I took the truck into the woods and lifted logs into the truck bed and hauled them out on my own. My arms have become stronger, and I am finding that lifting those 40 pound feed bags is much easier than when I started. My natural warmth was able to easily combat the sharp wind that was blowing in from the north.
Our monthly budget for food was over $1000 a month when you included groceries AND going out to eat. Now we are feeding our family on less than $200 a month, and we simply don't go out to eat. However, my waist line is trimmer now. I am more creative now than ever in the kitchen creating items that are healthy, cheap, and using what we have grown on our farm. We are looking at costs, and thinking can we live without it, and if not, can we get it used for cheaper. We are eating less processed foods, and shopping local when possible. This way we can support our neighbors and not anonymous businesses.
In our previous life, my husbands work demanded much from him and our family. We were expected to be places, and do things, and interact with certain people. I had to dress right, say the right things, and never have a differing opinion. I felt trapped. Locked into a box. Unable to escape from my own world. Today, I felt the freedom of life. While money makes things "easier" I became shoved into a box and could not get out because we would lose that income. But when I became dependent on God to provide for us everyday, I began to find value in the quiet moments, the gentle hugs, and the sweet words between the ones I care about most.
The world cannot simply fill the void I had tried to control. It cannot give my life meaning by filling it with responsibilities. My body is made for work, it is from the dust, therefore I long to touch the dirt and run it between my fingers. My body craves foods that are grown nearby and full of nutrients and sunshine made goodness. With the sun shining on my skin and the grass between my toes, I am reminded that my body is part of nature, and not meant to be contained in a house, surrounded by concrete, running from one task to another, and never able to stop, and see the sunset.
Tonight, I walked past the fire pit that still had a small blaze going. I paused and leaned in close. There wasn't much wood left in the fire, but I simply moved the wood around and it recaught fire and began to warm my cheeks and fingertips again. By rearranging my thinking, I too can rekindle my fire and become a light in this world and touch others in a way that I couldn't do by thinking about all the "things" I gave up for this life.