In April of 2021 my doctor told me that I could not have a vaginal birth in this hospital, throwing the weight of the acclaimed institution he works for in my face. In fact, he informed me, No smart person would attempt it. I was six months preganant, and terrified by these words. I had no choice but to have a major surgery?
This week the Ladies of Hive community posed a prompt that is near and dear to me: In essence, what can you share about fighting violence against women where you live? Addressing the insanity of the US healthcare system's attitude towards birth has to come first for me. This is a graphic read that addresses a terrible physical violence against women, please be advised that it is upsetting.
Did you know that black women are 4x more likely to die in childbirth than white women in the US? In the US women are very at risk for complications, surgeries, and yes death just in general. Of any developed country in comparison, we have the worst statistics for women. We are outright abused in OB practices, that turn our most tender moments into a cog in the big pharma machine.
Our C-section rate is sky high- and you know why, right? M O N E Y. The beauty of childbirth has been monitized in a way that takes away the voice of mothers every day. This is not meant to shame women who choose or need to birth this way, it is to shame an industry that scares women into it, and worse. This needs to be addressed!
“I could not get my fill of looking. There should be a song for women to sing at this moment or a prayer to recite. But perhaps there is none because there are no words strong enough to name that moment.” ― Anita Diamant, The Red Tent
So what did I do? I left that hospital and never went back. The arbitary risk of rupture that can happen during ANY birth wasn't getting used to scare me into submission. I hired a Doula- a service that I was blessed to afford. However, I know this is also offered for free to low-income women through a variety of national charities. So, what is a Doula?
A doula is a magnificent being who supports you though birth, and helps define your wishes so you don't have to while paving the way for an entire life! It is a service I recommend to all women who need additional support in having the birth that's right for them, my Doula saved me. You can find free Doula support with a google search! They are scare tactic slayers.
Let's get vulnerable
You see, this was my third birth- the first two were CS. This time I wanted to have a different experience, the trauma that is tied to Cesarian for me isn't something I felt I could face a third time. I lost my first child, and it was in part because of the hands of western medicine. I had one beautiful day with her... Adele would be ten now :)
The birth of my daughter Thea felt like reliving that hell. They said I had to. Not again. On 7/2/21 I gave birth to my son after 3 days of labor, 3 hours of pushing, and a 3rd degree tear. And you know what? It was glorious!! My new doctor, a local Cleveland hero, left me in control of my birth to the best of his ability. There was nothing to take me from the primal moment of bringing my son into this world on my terms! This is the best I've felt one year out from having a child! Don't ever let anyone tell you that birth belongs to anyone but you. Hands off money grabbers and abusers!
When a child is born, it is the mother's instinct to protect the baby. When a child dies, it is the mother's instinct to protect the memory. -Unknown
The morning of the first and last day of Adele's life, I woke up knowing something was wrong. I had been hospitalized for the last two months, so in theory I was already in the best place, right? I wish. Maybe my Eldest would be here with me now if they had listened to me. For 9 hours I harassed them until they did an ultrasound, I was in surgery 30 minutes later.
In the moment I am my best friend, who was forced onto her back in labor against her wishes. I am the woman who gets an elective episiotomy without her consent. I am the scared and hurt mother who is having a doctor use perennial stretching without asking, confused by the betrayal of her trust. I am Caroline who had her crowning baby pushed back into her vagina. Unable to speak up while in a vulnerable state I am you, you are me. Birth is a sacred bond that transcends our physical being.
So what the heck can we do?
- Complain to the ombudsman Most hospitals have a human resources department dedicated to complaints, called the ombudsman office. File, encourage others to file. File on behalf of a tired mother. Be relentless.
- Donate to Doula work Open your browser and type "free doula near me". You should see lots of options pop up, do some research on them and consider donating. There are women every day who are kept safe in the watchful presence of Doulas.
- Report your Doctor to the hospital board!! Did you give birth recently, and you can't shake the feeling of something awful surrounding it? 34% of women surveyed report feeling that birth was traumatic, yet it is rarely reported. Ask someone to report for you if you can't, your feelings are incredibly valid!!
- Raise awareness We have to talk about this stuff or it will never change. Many women don't even know they are being abused in birth because it's so normalized! We need to shatter that reality with nothing short of brutality. A world that is not safe for mothers is safe for no one.
- Hold space for Women Mom's shouldn't complain, we should always be grateful, we should always be strong...Heck no! This expectation is literally killing women. Ask a new mom how she's feeling, and then ask how's she's really feeling. Invite the ones you love to be vulnerable, and embrace them in it.
Here are some US groups fighting for safe and empowered birth:
https://birthmonopoly.com/
http://humanrightsinchildbirth.org/
https://improvingbirth.org/
I am terrified to post this, because the loss of Adele is something I rarely talk about... yet I always do when I want to because that is my way of honoring her. She isn't a secret I should hide to make everyone comfortable. She was my daughter, and I'll love her for the rest of my days. A big way I express this is birth advocacy, so when I saw the LOH prompt for this week...well I just had to put on my brave pants and speak up. Birth is a gendered violence against women in the US. Its nemesis is UNITY. Thank you for giving me a space I feel safe to put this to words Ladies of Hive <3
I want to invite @nightbird01 to get involved in the Ladies of Hive community, this is a wonderful place to make connections and experience the best of Hive- there are a lot of helpful and loving humans here! I think they would love to see some of the passions that drive you :)!